This essay was written on my Father Avi Mori Reb Ahraham Chaim ben R. Dov Ztz’l’s 17th Yahrzheit, 12th Kislev, le’ilui nishmosso venishmas Imi Morassi Marras Maiiia bas R.Dovid Haleivi. It is dedicated to their blessed memory.
What is Family?
The blood relationship between members of a family defines whofamily is but not what family is.
Two sons of the same parents are brothers, two daughters are sisters; two people descended from the same grandparents but not the same parents are cousins. But what does it mean to be a brother, a sister or a cousin? What does it mean to “be family”? And,why is family so terribly important to us?
The secret of family is buried in the troubling story of the rape of Dinah, daughter of Yaacov, and the revenge of Shimon and Levi her brothers.
The Rape of Dinah
Dinah wanders off alone to visit with the non-Jewish women of the land. Shechem, son of the Prince of the land, sees her and rapes her (Ramban 34:2). He then falls in love with her, seduces her and asks his father the Prince to negotiate her marriage to him. Prince Chamor proposes an alliance between the people of Shechem and the House of Yaacov whereby they would become a unified community. Dinah’s family is furious.
The Sons of Yaacov answer them with wisdom (Onkelos’ translation of mirma). (Note the word for “answer”, annah is of the same root asinnah used to describe Shechem’s act of rape.) Over a long discourse they persuade Shechem and Chamor to have the whole city of Shechem circumcised as a precondition for the communal merger. On the third day after the circumcision, known to be a day of weakness and pain, Shimon and Levi kill every male, capture the women and children, and take the property for spoil.
The Benei Yaacov held the entire community capitally accountable because they tolerated rape and facilitated kidnapping. They failed to establish courts of law to hold even the mighty to moral account. This is a primary obligation of all civilized society in accordance with their Noachide responsibilities (Rambam Melachim 9:14 and Or Hachaim 34;25-26).
Confront, but Defend
What was father Yaacov’s view of Shimon and Levi’s bloody revenge? He passively stood by when the sons made the original deal with Shechem and Chamor. He did so because he thought their strategy was restricted to the recovery of their sister, and at most the execution of Shechem, the criminal. He never imagined that they would exterminate the whole city’s men. He criticizes them severely. Even so, his objection is not so much about the injustice f their actions. It is more about the political incorrectness of their campaign, and the potential retaliation that their irresponsible behavior could instigate. Their impetuousness put the lives of the entire Jewish nation of the time at risk. They had not consulted their leader, and as much as they venerated him, they did not agree with his rebuke either.
Yaacov fears retaliation. So what does he do? Does he go to the nations of the land and explain, apologize, and assure them that his sons would be held to account? No not at all! Declaring that he would never allow his sons to fall into the hands of non-Jewish enemies, he takes his sword and his bow and stands defiantly at the gates of Shechem with the towering stature of his gigantic G-dliness and vows: “If any of the nations of the world dare to make the slightest attempt to attack my sons, I shall battle them!” (B.R: 80:9)
That, is family.
Family holds its members to the highest standards and confronts when they disappoint. But family is also moseir neffesh (gives their lives) for one another when necessary. Yaacov confronts Shimon and Levi. He criticizes them even more directly in Vayechi, before his death (Bereishit 49:5-7). He attributes later tragedies to their violent streak. He accuses them of adopting that streak from Eisav (see Rashi 49:5) rather than inheriting the noble traits of Yaacov. Still, he defends their lives and is willing to protect them to the death.
That, is family.
The same applies in the relationship of Dinah to her brothers. Dinah is criticized for initiating the whole incident. An attractive young girl, she should not have wandered off unaccompanied to socialize with alien groups of vastly different beliefs and values. Yet her family does not abandon her for that. They confront her for her wrongdoing but protect her with their lives. It is for this reason, the MidrashRabbah (80:9) says, that Shimon and Levi are referred to as the brothers of Dinah although all of them were her brothers: because it was they who gave their lives for her dignity. The others were related as brothers but behaved like brothers.
That, is family.
Similarly, the Midrash says Miriam is called Aharon’s sister and not the sister of Moshe too, because although Aharon confronted her and criticized her for talking Lashon Harah, he was moseir nefesh for her forgiveness and recovery.
That, is family: To confront and to challenge; to protect and to defend.
Of all the relationships we have, family is the one we most need. We feel comfortable with friends who tread on eggshells around us so as not to be too confrontational, and avoid judging us even when they believe we are wrong. With family it goes far beyond comfort; it goes to trust.
We trust people who are willing to risk their popularity to help us become better. With family we feel more than comfort: we feel secure. We feel secure that we will be held to high standards and challenged to stretch ourselves to our limits of greatness. Secure that when they compliment us, it is sincere. Secure also, as in no other relationship, that in a time of need our family will sacrifice everything to stand by us, support us and defend us.
That, is family.
