Parshat Chayei Sarah 5769: I Got Taken!

The quaint custom in so many cultures of giving a bride a ring has its origins in this week's parsha. The custom may appear quaint but in essence it is almost a commercial transaction. "Ha'isha Nikneit …be'kessef (a wife is acquired with cash)," says the Mishna at the beginning ofMassechet Kiddushin, the Gemarra that we are studying in the iAwaken teleconference Gemarra shiur every Sunday.[1] The ring is a piece of pure gold intended as an object of internationally tradable currency. What appears quaint could in fact be regarded as insulting. The Gemarra itself opens its analysis of the Mishna by questioning its use of the word "acquired" considering it to be offensive to the dignity of women.[2]

The Gemarra learns the appropriateness of the word "acquired" in the case of this matrimonial transaction from the word "kach (take)" used by Avraham in our Parsha, in his negotiation with Ephron over the field in which the Ma'arrat Hamachpeila is located. That same word "ki Yikach" is used in Devarim 24:1 with reference to a man "taking" or "marrying" his wife. Applying the principle of gezeira shava[3] the Gemarra says that just as the property transaction with Ephron was called an acquisition, so it is proper to call the transaction of marriage, or more specifically betrothal, an acquisition too.

The betrothal is considered an acquisition of some sort even though at the betrothal phase of the marriage, the husband acquires nothing more than the woman's rights to marry whomever else she wishes. She gives up her rights of choice and he acquires the rights to her exclusivity for as long as they live; unless he gives her a get(divorce). He has no other rights until their chupah, which, in the time of the Mishna, was a full year later. Still, the betrothal constitutes akinyan: some form of acquisition; and he becomes a ba'al[4]: an owner in some way, an owner of some right.

The Uniqueess of Kinyan Kidushin

This kinyan (act of acquisition), however, is different from all otherkinyanim. Normally a kinyan is an action performed by the acquirer on the acquired object with the intention of the other party to transfer ownership. In the case of Kidushin in addition to the action (in this case giving the bride a ring) the groom needs to recite a phrase: "Harei at mekudeshet li (You are herewith dedicated exclusively to me)." Nowhere else is there the requirement of a verbal expression of intent on the part of the individual performing the kinyan.

The requirement to recite the formula and its reason is the subject of much halachik debate. Some hold it is "halacha leMoshe miSinai (a law given orally to Moshe at Sinai)."[5] But is there any suggestion in the wording of the verses from which we learn the kinyan, to suggest the need for oral expression?

"Kicha (Taking)": Acquiring or Persuading?

Reflection on the phrase "Ki Yikach" reveals a dual meaning. On the one level, in many places in the Torah, Kichah refers to an act of acquisition. On another level, when kicha is used in reference to a human being, it often means "persuasion."[6] It is possible then that the term "yikach" is the source for the Braaitta[7] that introduces the idea of a verbal phrase in the marriage act. "Yikach" has a dual meaning: It means acquire your bride, and persuade her, woo her.

This idea casts a new light on the marriage ceremony: He gives her an item of value as a gesture representing his loving words of dedication: "You are dedicated exclusively to me." It is the harmony created by the expression of generosity and the words of dedication that move her to acquiesce to his gesture. She happily abandons her freedom to select a mate, agreeing rather to dedicate herself to her one and only, her new chattan. Now when she says "I have been taken" she no longer means it as "I have been taken for a ride," but that "I am taken with my husband!"

From a purely halachik perspective, the kinyan of kidushin happens only once in the lifetime of a marriage. However on other levels, it happens every day. Never should a man take for granted his wife's exclusive love. Never should a woman assume that the love that initiated their marriage will remain alive without continuous investment.  Each day a husband should acquire his wife. Each day he should declare her exclusiveness to him and she should happily commit to that. Each day he should serenade her with the symphonic harmony of generous gestures and poetic words of love like those with which he first "took" her and "acquired" her under their chupah.