I am Accountable
With the authority of majesty, Yehuda opens one of the most powerful speeches ever recorded: "Bi Adoni" ("I am accountable").[1] Taking personal responsibility irrespective of the consequences, Yehuda manifests the royal qualities that have for some time distinguished him. "We are both Kings, and can speak as equals[2]", he implies to Yosef (the last letters of the first three words of the Parsha spellshaveh - equality).
We see Yehuda taking personal responsibility last week in Mikeitzwhen his father refused to allow Binyamin to go Egypt to stand before the Viceroy. "I shall guarantee him", said Yehuda, "If I fail to return him to you, I shall sacrifice my Olam Habah (World to Come)".[3] Why did Yehuda feel the need to singularly take responsibility for Binyamin’s safety? Why was it not a collective responsibility of all the brothers?
Yehuda’s Personal Transformation
Yehuda, during the darkest time of his life, experienced a moment of profound introspection and enlightenment. Just before he entered into his infamous relationship with Tamar, he was cast out of the family by his brothers and lost all his fortune[4] and status[5]. "Had you told us to return Yosef to his father (rather than advising us to sell him into slavery), we would have obeyed you". Yehuda had underestimated the power of his influence, a fatal leadership error. From his desolate space of loneliness and depression, he decided that he would never do that again. He would never manipulate a situation as he did in his advice to sell Yosef rather than murder him. He would confront people, call them on their wrongdoing and take personal responsibility for his own. Surely that is the stuff from which a leader is made.
Three Tests for Royal Leadership Capability
From that moment onward Yehuda does exactly that. His firstnisayon (test) comes with Tamar. He could easily keep his involvement in their affair a secret. She made it clear she would never divulge the identity of her lover. Yet he chooses to take responsibility: "She is more righteous than I".[6]
The second test of Yehuda’s resolve to be a leader occurs when Binyamin’s safety is put at risk. The brothers realize that their dilemma results from the way they treated Yosef when they sold him into slavery. But it is Yehuda who, instead of self-recrimination and verbal declarations of guilt, steps forward to pay the price of personal responsibility: "I stake my Olam Habah on Binyamin’s safety", he said to his father, "for it is I who could have saved Yosef had I confronted my brothers with the forcefulness of my own conviction, and I failed to do so". Reuven had tried to take some responsibility too by offering his two sons as guarantors knowing full well that Yaacov would never execute them if Binyamin failed to return. Reuven’s gesture was feeble[7] in comparison, and unsurprisingly, Yaacov rejects it, but accepts Yehuda’s. In a similarly feeble way when the brothers first experience Yosef’s apparent harshness, Reuven says, "Didn’t I tell you so?" Reuven demonstrates that he could never found the dynasty of Jewish Kings that Yehuda would.
The third test is when Yosef captures Binyamin. Without hesitation Yehuda steps forward. His forceful yet charismatic bearing simultaneously communicates brutal strength and mild compassion.[8] The Targum of Vayigash (and he [Yehuda] drew up to [Yosef]) isUkereiv. Kerav in Hebrew and Aramaic means both "draw near" and also "battle". Eilav (to him) however implies intimacy. The Gematria of those three words can be counted up both as lehilacheim (to do battle) and as nichnas lepius (entering appeasement). Yehuda was ready for either, and Yosef knew it. But, instead of beginning a tirade against Yosef and his evil intentions (Yehuda even suspects him of homosexual desires with Binyamin[9]) he starts off by taking personal responsibility for the cruel sale of their brother Yosef.
The Matrix
Surely the Viceroy of Egypt is not interested in the history of the sale of Yosef and who bears responsibility for it? Why would Yehuda start his speech with the assumption of personal responsibility for that act? It is true that Yehuda and his brothers understand the spiritual causality of that act with their current circumstance. They understand Hashem’s justice and the way He uses our life experiences to mold our characters and teach us midah keneged midah (measure for measure). But why would that be of interest to the Viceroy, and how could he possibly understand the connection?
Yehuda in this instance is not only addressing the Viceroy (Yosef). He is addressing himself too. He is addressing his G-d. "Bi Adoni" ("I am accountable, my G-d"). This is Yehuda’s personal Viduy(confession), to Hashem and to himself. To Yosef, Yehuda’s words "Bi Adoni" mean something else. He hears them in their literal sense, the way the Targum translates them: "I implore you, my lord". But Yosef is addressing another listener, G-d and himself, and to them the words have a different, deeper and more personal meaning.
I have found, as I am sure you have, that whenever I speak, I am actually in matrix mode too. I am speaking to a listener, but at the same time I hear my own words too, and they impact my own feelings, attitudes and behaviors. I try to be careful with the words I choose, not only for how they will be heard by the other, but also for how I will hear them myself! I avoid words that diminish my own responsibility and accountability. I exchange "I have to" and "I must" for "I choose to" or just "I shall": much more empowering; much more responsible. I have eliminated "I told you so" from my vocabulary. I replace "I will try" with "I will". I use words that are upbeat and positive, I seek phrases that manifest high energy rather than negativity. In my interactions with others I try to encourage and inspire so that I too will be encouraged and inspired by my own words. I express disapproval of injustice, arrogance, deceit and illusion not to judge the other; often the other will not even hear my words. I address those words to myself.[10] I remind myself frequently that G-d is a listener too, of every word I utter. This is the matrix in which we live.
Notes:
[1] See Klei Yakkar
[2] See Baal Haturim
[3] Rashi Bereishit 43:9
[4] Targum Yonattan Bereishit 38:1
[5] Rashi Bereishit 38:1
[6] Breshit 38:26
[7] We must be cautious in attaching the kind of behavioral observations to our holy forefathers that we would attach to ordinary people such as ourselves. Yet the Torah clearly contrasts the boldness of Yehuda with what must appear to us to be the relative cowardice of Reuven. It was for such very acts of cowardice and manipulation rather than honest confrontation, that Yaacov demoted Reuven from his position of leadership.
[8] Ba’al Haturim Bereishit 44:18 using the paradoxical gematria of the words.
[9] Daat Zekeinim 44:18 Ki kamochah keParoh
[10] See Parshat Chukat-Balak 5766: Sticks and stones can at worst break your bones; but words athttp://www.iawaken.org/shiurim/view.asp?id=6030 for a further discussion of the use of negative words.
