Devarim 30:1-6
Exposing Vulnerability-Growing Trust-Building Intimacy
Do you remember Eric Segal’s famous line in Love Story of the ‘70s, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”? With one ever so popular stroke of his pen, Segal deprived people of the growth and wonderment that stems from the majestic yet humble act of apology.
It is easy to apologize as an act of courtesy or social ritual. We say “sorry” dozens of times a day. But saying “I am sorry” in a way that we mean it, and that comes across with authenticity, is so hard because it exposes our vulnerability. That is why the capacity for apology lies at the very foundation of every loving relationship. How can love and intimacy evolve between people who are afraid to expose vulnerability to one another? How can two people love each other if they do not trust one another? This is why even before Hashem created the world and the capacity for sin, He created Teshuva: the art of apology.
Hashem craves a loving relationship with us. That means we need to be able to trust Him with our own vulnerabilities. We need to feel comfortable admitting to Him that we have disappointed Him, and know that He will accept our sincere apology with graciousness. G-d has even taught us how to apologize. Once we have learnt the process of apology to G-d, it is easy to apply exactly the same process to apologies we owe one another. Here is the process as explained by the RAMBAM [1]:
The 4-Step Apology Program
STEP 1:
Stop doing what ever it was that was wrong in the first place. The apology process cannot begin while the unacceptable conduct continues.
STEP 2:
Meditate deeply in order to remove the attractiveness of that behavior from your thoughts, even your subconscious thoughts. Stay with that thought until you feel that as you are in that moment, you could not contemplate repeating the same behavior.
STEP 3:
Feel remorse and discomfort about what occurred in the past.
STEP 4:
Verbalize that remorse and resolve about the future.
Teshuva in Relationships
So, in interpersonal relationships it would require some time alone to be sure that we acknowledge and understand what happened, and feel serious remorse. Then it requires that we approach the other person and say something like:
“I have something really important to say to you. On abc day I did/said xxxx. I have been thinking about it, and the more I think about it the worse I feel about what I did/said. I have taken the following steps to correct any damage that might have resulted from what I did/said. And, I have taken steps to make sure that I never do that again. Please accept my apologies and forgive me.”
Not at all easy. That is why it means so much to the other person. It repairs broken bridges. It clears the air of toxicity. It refreshes. The discomfort of apologizing passes and the benefits remain permanently. A relationship in which an apology has taken place is more intimate than a relationship in which no one has ever felt the need to apologize. Apology is heroic and noble. Do not be embarrassed to apologize. If there was a need to feel embarrassed it was for what has already occurred.
Teshuva: Voluntary or Obligatory?
The Rambam (as explained by the Minchat Chinuch [2]) holds thatTeshuva is not an obligatory Mitzvah. It is a process given to us by Hashem to follow if we choose to do Teshuva. The Ramban [3]andRabeinu Yonah on the other hand count Teshuva as one of the Mitzvot of the Torah articulated in our Parsha: “And you shall return unto Hashem your G-d, and you shall hear His voice…” [4]. Teshuva, apology and repentance, is not voluntary; it is something we need to do.
My opening comments might explain the difference in approach between these Rishonim. To the Rambam, Teshuva is a means of managing sin. It is the process of rectifying past conduct. According to the Ramban and Rabeinu Yonah,Teshuva is a Mitzvah in its own right. Teshuva is not the means of managing sin. It is almost as if sin is the means of reaching Teshuva! This is why we are told that in many ways a total Tzadik cannot compare to one who has mastered (Ba’al) the art of Teshuva. Teshuva is key to building intimacy with our Creator.
EXERCISE:
Have you ever tried apologizing to yourself? Try it. Pick something you did (or omitted to do) today. Spend some silent time alone. Relax your mind by breathing slowly, steadily and deeply. Sit upright. When your mind is still, think about that action and go through the Four Steps. Then speak to yourself aloud or write to yourself. Address yourself by name. You are addressing your deepest Being, your very Soul. And apologize to your Self for disappointing your Self. Say what you did, describe the way you are feeling about it. Articulate what you have done to repair any damage and how you plan to avoid repeating it in the future. Then, speaking as your Self, forgive yourself.
Let me know how you felt.
Notes:
[1] Teshuva 2:2
[2] 364
[3] Devarim 30:11
[4] Devarim 30:2
