Communication
Communication is the heart and soul of all relationships. It is the foundation of education. It is the oil that makes nations and organizations work smoothly. Whether or not we are good at communication depends on how we define it. If communication is the transmission of information, most of us are quite good at it. But is that what communication is?
We learned so much about communication at the Seder. The very word "haggada" means communication. It originates in Shemot…..vehigadeta levinchah (you shall tell your son) introducing an explanation for the Seder without it being preceded by a question. It is therefore the "answer" we give to the two sons who did not ask a question: the rasha (wicked son) who's question is a cynically rhetorical one and the she'eino yodeia lish'ol (the son who does not know how to formulate a question). And here we have a new definition for haggada, and for communication: imparting knowledge to someone who has displayed no interest in acquiring or possessing that knowledge.
Let's revisit our competency level: If communication means, "imparting knowledge to someone who has displayed no interest in acquiring or possessing that knowledge," how good are we at it?
Vehigadeta
Let's take a look at one or two halachot (laws) of vehigadeta (and you shall communicate) and extrapolate the Haggada's communication model from that. The Rama makes it clear in 473:6 that the person reading the Haggada should translate it and explain it in the vernacular, so that the women present and the children will understand it too. The reason for this (unlike Keriat Hatora and Megilla, for example, that are only read in Lashon Hakodesh – Hebrew) is the view of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi (Pesachim 108a-b) that women participated in the miracle of Pesach that we are celebrating and therefore are required to fulfill the mitzvah of the four cups of wine in the same way that men are required to, even though that obligation is time bound.[1] Rashi says that not only did women participate in the Pesach event; they were the reason for its success. Their role therefore is as core to Pesach as it is to Chanukah (Yehudit) and Purim (Esther). Based on this Rashi, the Magen Avraham (472) holds that women are equally obligated for all themitzvot of the Seder night, including the mitzva of Haggada. This, says the Mishna Berura, is why it is necessary to translate the Haggada, because without doing so there may be women and others at the table that would not fulfill their mitzva of telling the story of our exodus from Egypt.
The Minchat Chinuch (21) struggles to find any basis to obligate women in the time-bound mitzvah of Sippur Yetziat Mitzrayim (of telling the story of our exodus from Egypt). Tosfot (108b) too limits Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi's remark to the Rabbinic mitzva of the four cups only and does not extend it to the Torah mitzva of Sippur Yetziat Mitzrayim. The Eshel Avraham[2] gives a different reason for the need to translate the Haggada and explain it in the vernacular: It is not to facilitate the mitzvot of women and children and those who may not understand the Mishnaic Hebrew of the Haggada. Women are not obligated in that mitzva, he says. The reason is because unless the people to whom you are speaking understand what you are saying, YOU have not fulfilled YOUR mitzva of vehigadeta (you shall communicate).
The Ritva[3] holds the same view as the Eshel Avraham and theMinchat Chinuch (based on the Tosfot). However, he proves it from the words of the Haggada itself. We are told to "open up" the she'eini yodei'a lish'ol (the son who does not know how to formulate a question). The reason given in the Haggada is "shene'emar – for it says in the Torah: vehigadeta levincha – and you shall communicate to your son" (even though that communication is not preceded by a question from the son). Clearly, says the Ritva, you have not fulfilled your own obligation of vehigadeta if you have not opened people up to understand. The Ritva affirms our definition of communication as "imparting knowledge to someone who has displayed no interest in acquiring or possessing that knowledge."
Communication: engaging conversation
How do you impart knowledge to an uninterested person? The question is the key. You have to find a way to stimulate the curiosity of the other person. I am sure you have learned as I have, that giving an opinion to one that has shown no interest in it, is of little or no value. Unsolicited advice is rarely heard, and hardly ever accepted. Uninvited information is usually discarded unless it creates curiosity. This is the foundation of marketing: do not over-inform - make the prospect want to know more, elicit the question.
Communication is about conversation, not about information. Conversation is a two way process. Conversation engages. It is somewhat intimate. Conversation requires at least two interested and active partners at every moment: a talker and an active listener. Conversation is either story telling that touches the other's heart, or it is the asking and the answering of questions that are of interest to the other.
What do you do with the one who does not know how to or has no interest in asking a question, and certainly has displayed no interest in listening to a story? One of the ways is through the application of just a little pain: Notice how we give this son the same statement that we make to the wicked son. We exclude him completely from the story: "Hashem did this for ME when I came out of Egypt." Surely this will elicit a response! "What about me? Why did Hashem do this for you and not for me? Why are you treating me as you did the wicked son?" Now he is asking questions. Now conversation can begin.
When confronted with ignorance or indifference, always engage the other person first before you begin an attempt to educate or communicate. Engage them by presenting the information, advice or education you have in mind, in a way that stimulates their curiosity and may lead them to either question you or ask for more. If they are not asking questions, you ask them. Most people respond to an authentic question and will engage in conversation thereafter. If all else fails, provoke them gently with a statement that offends their sense of justice and prods them to respond.
All of this takes time and attention. It requires of teachers to spend even more time preparing their presentation strategy than on preparing their material content. It requires parents giving advice, especially to teenagers, to formulate their approaches and presentations carefully to engage in conversation, not just to get their opinions "off their chest." Before communicating anything, clarify your objective, and question whether you could be setting about it more effectively to satisfy that objective. And remember, effective communication is conversation. Where possible, avoid lecturing and instructing people, rather engage them. The communication takes longer and requires more effort. The results are quick and spectacular.
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