By putting the needs of another before our own, we displace our egos and create space for sanctity to find a home.
Vehiskadishtem: Be holy
Our national mission, the purpose for which we were taken out of Egypt and made into a nation, is to be holy. The parshas of Tazria-Metzora are sandwiched between two majestic injunctions to become holy: "Vehiskadishtem, vi'hiyissem kedoshim" (Vayikra 11:44) and "Kedoshim tiheyu" (you shall be holy - Vayikra 19.2). When we are holy we 'vibrate' on a Divine wavelength that enables us to resonate with the Divine and to connect with G-d in ways we could not otherwise do.
Immediately after this soaring spiritual crescendo of parshas Shemini, parshas Tazria opens with the topic of the intimate relationship between man and woman and its potential to conceive life. "When a woman is seeded and she gives birth to a son....". The transition from spiritual sanctity to the somewhat carnal arena of physical intimacy is jarring. The Ba'al Hatturim comments on the intentionality of this juxtaposition alerting us to the importance of retaining the highest state of sanctity at times of male-female intimacy. What is the nature of this sanctity and why is it so important?
The Or Hachaim takes us into an appreciation of the mystical power contained in the moment of fetal conception. In this moment it is not only the physical DNA of the child that is determined, but its spiritual DNA as well. Its nefesh is conceived at the same moment that its physical form begins its evolution. The child's physical DNA is inherited from its parents' genetic material. Its spiritual DNA is a function not only of its parents' character and background, but also of the thoughts and intentions in their minds during the moments of conception. The Or Hachaim goes so far as to say that parents should give mindful attention to the moment of conception because after that the child's spiritual potential is capped.
The outcome of this sanctity of thought at the moment of conception is not necessarily a male child as the simple translation of ve'yalda zachar (and she will give birth to a male) implies. The child could be either male or female (see Rashbam Vayikra 12:2) but whichever it is, the birth will bring berocha. The numeric value of zachar (a male) and berocha (a blessing) are identical (see Ba'al Hatturim 12:2).
Partnership
There are two ways of understanding who the subject of the sentence isha ki tazria, is. The husband could be the subject and the sentence could read: "A wife, when you (her husband) plant a seed in her...". Alternatively the subject could be the wife not only in the passive form I translated it above but also in the active form: "A woman, when she conceives a seed...". Both husband and wife are equally active in their intimacy and in the conception of their children. The woman is active not only in nurturing the fetus and later the child but also in planting its seed. The mother's active participation is not limited to the physical act of intimacy. Like her husband it includes the spiritual conception of the nefesh.
Careful attention to the Ta'amim (the musical annotation of the Torah and its punctuation) reveals that there is a pause after the wordve'yalda (and she will give birth). Zachar (a male) then does not inform us about the gender of the infant. Rather, says the Or Hachaim, it teaches us that the woman is equal in every way to her husband when she has been active in all the dimensions of conception. Intimacy and the successful creation of a child require the active and equal participation of both male and female in the physical arena as well as in the the spiritual act of conception.
Love and holiness
There is a second layer of meaning to this verse that reveals another important dimension to the sanctity of intimacy. The Gemarra (Nidda 31a and b) translates tazria not as "conceives" but as "climaxes." The gemarra reads the verse as: "If a woman climaxes first (before her husband) then (there is a greater chance that) she will give birth to a son. Or, using the gematria (numerology) of the Ba'al Hatturim, that she will give birth in blessing.
According to this talmudic understanding of the word tazria, the sanctity of intimacy does not only require thoughts of divinity at the time of conception. In addition it requires that the husband focus his attention on his wife's pleasure rather than on his own, helping her to reach her climax before he does so. This idea teaches the very core of love not just in love-making but in every human interaction. Whenever we put the needs of others before our own needs we displace our egos. In the space that our egos vacate, sanctity can find a home.
Three Pillars
This gives us a new and very down-to earth insight into our mission of vehiskadishtem, "you shall make yourselves holy" from Parashas Shemini. On one level it implies the highest state of human spirituality gained through the primacy of prayer and the study of Torah. On the other hand sanctity also requires that we put the needs of others before our own needs. Only by doing so do we create the space for divinity to enter our beings and permeate our actions. The divinity within us sanctifies everything we do and uplifts everything and everyone we touch.
Putting the needs of others before our own is the cornerstone both of successful relationship-building and successful business-building. Counter-intuitively, when you put others before your own needs, your needs get taken care of in abundance often by the very people you put first. The customer you put first provides your revenue. The employee you put first delivers your offering to the market. The husband or wife you put first makes sure that you in turn feel loved and cared for. This is how G-d designed His world.
The world stands not only on the two pillars of Torah and Avodah (learning and prayer), but on a third one too. In addition to Torah and Avodah the world is supported by gemilus chassadim - putting the needs of others before our own. As King David declares: "For I have saidthe world can only be built with kindness - olam chessed yibaneh." (Tehillim 89:3)
